Random Bullshit...Warning: My Thanksgiving Bitch Session!!

Ok don't say I didn't warn ya. I am in one of those moods I guess. Thanksgiving was good I guess. My dad and step mom was here from PA. I find he is still opinionated as hell. He made a couple comments about how my house was not clean which honestly pissed me off. Wouldn't been bad if he would have told ME, no he told my step mom who in turn asked me about it before she got here. Needless to say I was pissed and I think he knew it.

I mean come on... you come to my house UNANNOUNCED and expect it to be clean? Hellooooooooooo... I am a single mom with a FULL TIME JOB who has been taking her son to on average 3-4 appointments per week to see social workers, physictrist and a FINS officer. Then not to mention my daughter has cheer leading pratiace once a week in the evening too! Throw in the fact that there is a million other things I have had to deal with such as laundry, school functions and 2 deaths in the family!! So sorry my damn floors where not up to your standards!! Sweep them your own damn self for christ sake!! Omg. If I had to live near that man I would kill him I swear!!! He has no clue what my life is like but yet he is going to pass judgement??

On the eating front I sucked!! I did well until Thanksgiving day and then I lost it at dessert. yes I had Pumpkin Pie and then the feast began!! I could not stop eating for days. Sad thing was I would justify it by thinking to myself that I "always do without and I deserve it". Well I do deserve to enjoy my thanksgiving dinner but not the whole damn week! I knew I was in trouble when I was sitting in the food court at our local mall on Black Friday morning at 9 am eating MEXICAN FOOD??? Normally I would have never ever dreamed of doing such! Oh wait not only did I do that I went back the next day and had Mongolian Chicken at the Chinese place? I swear I have lost my fricking mind!!

Well of coarse I had desserts galore all weekend, snacked my ass off and ate to my heart was content. Needless to say I had decided I would take a "pass" on my weigh in because I knew I had not stuck to my plan and I was ashamed. I had failed. But the anal retentive side of me just HAD to get on the scale to see what the damage was. Up 6 fricking pounds?? WTF??? Was that even possible? Yeah I guess so and then I felt worse to be honest. Was it better to "not know?" In the end I have to admit I got on that scale because I was afraid of NOT KNOWING! Does that make any sense to you? Don't they call that "self mutation"? To weigh or not to weigh... that was the question!! Omg after doing WW for this long the one thing I did know was I couldn't torture myself about it so I just got on the fricking scale and took my lumps like a big girl. Am I happy? hell no... but I will get past this... I guess.

I made a decision to jump back on plan Sunday and did well til lunch then I had to stop for lunch. I actually went to Wendy's to get a grilled chicken sandwich but that place was PACKED... this of coarse gave me the excuse to go to the Chinese buffet. Not a good idea but not the worst I guess. Oh and I did end up eating that Wendy's grilled sandwich with a small chili for supper that night. Do you see a pattern here? I EAT out too damn much!! Yeah I know that's one of my stumbling blocks and I am trying to get over that hurdle. I will admit it is super hard, but then again the expense of eating out is killing me too.

Oh and did I mention that SOMEONE who should remain nameless kept blogging about all of the Caramel Popcorn she had been eating and damn if I didn't get a craving for it. I asked for the recipe but she has yet to post it so of coarse when I was shopping I see this huge ass bag of Caramel Popcorn and it says "Great Holiday Treat" errrrrr.. Yeah like I really needed a treat!! The problem is each and every time I go into the Kitchen I end up grabbing a huge handful and it cost me 2 points!! Ughhhhh... I swear I just don't have the balls to throw it out yet!

Speaking about "throwing out" things I did manage to throw out all of the treats, goodies and pies after my dad left Friday. I even went to Walmart and bought tons of healthy food for the week trying to get my ass back on the wagon. But then again here I go Sunday eating the Chinese buffet...what the hell is wrong with me? Oh wait and to make matters worse I got on the scale last night...I am up 10 pounds...not 6!! yes, I do know you weigh more in the evening and I guess I guess I basically jumped on the scale to just add insult to injury! Honestly I don't know why I got on it. Guess I like being mad, depressed and pissed off huh? Yep, that's it in a nutshell. Just because I didn't stick to my plan! And now I feel like crap about it.

Today though I did stick to plan. I had lots of protein for breakfast, yogurt for snack, turkey sandwich with fruit for lunch, homemade chicken vegetable soup for supper and of coarse a huge handful of Caramel Popcorn between lunch and supper. See what I mean????? Err that stuff is like crack!!!

Damn I can't believe I was at 196 and when I got on the scale it said 202. Talk about a sick feeling!! I was mad at myself yesterday that I really couldn't post about it. I figured I could skip it like it never happened, but hell how do you hide an elephant???? Uhhhh you CAN'T!!

I was watching Ruby last night and it really had me thinking about some things. The doctor on the show say she "overeats because of something in her past". Basically Ruby doesn't remember anything prior to being 13 years old for some reason and it's not normal for someone to just not remember their childhood. Anyways it got me to thinking about why do I overeat? According to the doctor we all over eat for a reason and it got thinking.

Do I over eat for comfort? Love? Loneliness? If I had to take a guess it's prolly several reasons not just one. When I was a kid growing up my grandmother would always make our favorites when we visited her house. My uncles favorite was fried pork chops, my step dads was tomato gravy and biscuits, my aunts was ham and egg pie, a cousins was chicken and dumplings, mine was steak and gravy over biscuits or SOS on toast! So I guess in my mind I have always equated that love = food.

Now lets talk about loneliness... I grew up an only child and yes I did feel lonely alot. My mom was a single mom and we lived with my grandparents alot. My mom worked nights and I went to school during the day. I do not fault my mother for doing what she had to do which was make a living but I do remember as a child being left with family members or with a daycare provider and I would cry myself to sleep. I can remember as a child finding so much comfort in eating. Food was my friend.

I never did feel like I quite fit in as a child rather it be with my friends or family but I did feel like I was part of a family when we all sat around the table eating and sharing. Weird huh? There was just so much comfort in that act alone that I craved it! Was it love, acceptance, comfort or just plain loneliness? I really don't know why my early childhood eating habits were so bad. I know I had several cousins who at one time or another lived with my grandparents and they never turned out that way...meaning over weight!

I guess when it really clicks in my head as to why I do the things I do I will finally be able to put to rest this beast I carry around on my back. But I must say I am very conscious now about how I am feeling when I am hungry. Many times I will want something and I think to myself " I am not hungry, just bored" Or "It's a habit to want to snack when I play cards and such and I am really not hungry". I do realize alot of my over eating is stress related now days. How do I deal with that? Honestly some days I don't. Some days I cry. Some days I am just pissed at the world but I truly try my best to NOT eat just because of stress but look outside of it and try to deal with the causes! Am I successful? Yes, I would say 60 pounds down is a success, but then again there are days I really second guess myself. Maybe I just put too much stock in that number on the scale, but then again who doesn't? Talk about the one thing that can ruin a perfect day!!!

Well if you made it this far, I commend you! Thanks for listening and I am sure lots of you can relate to the dark side of dieting as they say. Yes truly some days it totally sucks ASS and some days it Rocks!! I still feel like shit because I am up 6 pounds but those 6 pounds are not going to go away if I keep my head up my ass so I felt it was best to just put it out there.

Well tomorrow is a new day. I might be down but I am not done! :)
Hugs and much love to you all...
Colette